I have felt weak my whole life, as far back as I can remember. I was a timid child, very sensitive and shy. I felt more comfortable playing by myself. I never grew out of that. I still have that small, timid child inside of me. I have discovered even at a young age that it was a weakness to be so sensitive and to care so much. Everything I took personally. Sometimes I still take things personally even when it wasn’t meant to be. I’ve been told so many times throughout my life I needed more confidence and that I shouldn’t care what people think about me. I also had a huge sensitivity towards others. When I was young I wanted to help people and counsel them. I always cared so much about making other people feel important and loved, all the while many people did not care when they made me feel unloved and unimportant. Now that I’m grown up I am still learning like a child. I suppose there is truth to postings that people who grow old still feel young inside and are even themselves shocked when they see their wrinkles in the mirror, wondering what had happened to them. There was a time when I thought that 40 years old was so old, but now that I am 40 years old I am afraid that I won’t have this life figured out before it is time to die. Life is but a breath for sure. One minute you are here, the next you are gone.

However, there are benefits to being 40 years old and that is I have new clarity about the meaning of life. When I was young I felt that being sensitive meant that I was weak, and that weak meant I was inferior, and that inferior meant that I was not valuable. The truth now as I see it is that Satan spent my whole life at my side driving that lie into my mind so that I would not see just how strong my weakness was, and how superior being inferior truly is. The bible says that those moments when we become weak, we then become strong. There is much strength and courage involved when I step out into the world, sensing the needs and feelings of other people around me, and still being able to look them in their eyes and have a conversation with them that is disconnected. It is courageous when I dare to believe the best in a person and value what they tell me when they’ve actually told me a lie, and even more courageous to love someone I know they are telling me a lie but are pretending they are not.

To have a sensitive heart and still be able to give a piece of it over and over again to people who will hurt it without a second thought is strength. To be misunderstood, to be rejected or used is a part of living as a human. However, the strength that comes from having a sensitive heart is to be able to forgive and understand as well. I have learned as I’ve grown older that as long as I am ok with myself, then it won’t matter if someone understood me or not. Yes, sometimes it is still disappointing, that is natural to feel that way, however as long as my confidence is not dependent on what that person thinks of me then I am ok. My job my suffer in a work environment in which another’s perspective and perception is what determines the security of your position, that sucks when that happens, because popular opinion always wins rather than integrity and truth. That is ok though, because the truth of the matter is that the trials and disappointments in our lives all serve one major purpose, and that is to prove what we base our trust in. Is my foundation for happiness based on my job position? No. Peace of mind maybe, until even then I learn that God always provides, even if it is a life lesson learned on the street. When we learn to embrace our weaknesses and instead see the strength in them, then we indeed become as strong as our greatest weakness. My trust is in the Lord and his word. I know that nothing can happen to me except for what he allows, and I’m not going to lie, I do fear what is coming up next because life has been like a roller coaster ride, just like a person might cringe as they know that a sudden turn or twist will surely appear any moment. However, I have learned to thrill of the roller coaster in that I really do not know what new lesson God is going to bring my way, because when I am weak, then I am strong.

My First Week in the Fight Against Gluttony

Oh boy, I am tempted to say this week has not been a success, however that would be incorrect. Success depends on what you are using to measure it with. Have I gotten gluttony beat yet? Umm I wish I could say yes but that is a big fat no. Today was the first day that I managed some self control in not overeating. However, I’ve had some other successes this week. There was a time yesterday that I was tempted to eat when I wasn’t hungry, but I said no and abstained. Later on however I ate more than my fill, however when I was tempted to feel like a failure that still small voice rose up in me and said “you were successful, you evaded temptation earlier” and then I got to thinking “yes, that’s right!”. It doesn’t take a spirit filled person to understand the value of positive thinking when we are trying to accomplish something new in our lives. When we are attempting to overcome an addiction such as overcoming cigarettes, alcoholism, drugs, overeating, anger fits, whatever applies go ahead and fit in a work of the flesh. You see, these things are all works of the flesh I feel lead to get biblical here so I’m going to go with it. Hmmm reading in Galations chapter 5 we are told to be lead by the spirit and we will not fulfill the works of the flesh. It talks about the flesh vs walking in the spirit I won’t post the entire chapter but I will post the first verse because it is powerful and what I want manifested in my life right now Galations 5:1 “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm , then, and do not let yourselves be burdened by a yoke of slavery”. Now my initial thought when it mentions being burdened by a yoke of slavery I assumed it meant the yoke of slavery to the flesh, but that is not what it is saying. That did excite me but I know enough of the word to know that as Christians we are already free from the yoke of slavery to sin (different passage of scripture). Instead, what this verse is referring to is a yoke of slavery to trying to attain the Lord’s approval through works. Interesting that this is where I’m lead, because what this means for me is that when I try to overcome the flesh by the power of the flesh, I will surely fail. Thank you father for leading me to this place. You know, as I was sort of mentioning, success has many different faces. This week I did not obtain the success that “I” wanted to obtain such as complete freedom from over eating, however I obtained by God’s holy spirit and his grace a different form of success, and that is understanding once again that my value is not measured by the shape of my body, but rather it is measured by the contents of my heart. And though the Lord himself cares about the shape of my body because he knows it effects my emotional state, my self esteem, my energy level, my witness and so on and so forth… he will help me accomplish overcoming in this area being how it is his spirit that stirs this desire to be free. However, he is much more concerned about the deeper things. He wants me to know I am loved right now, I am valuable right now. And he wants me to rely heavily on him during this time because he is the one that gives us the grace to overcome. Now, if you are not a Christian or are a Christian but think this is a bunch of phooey that we should only rely on ourselves, let me inform you that despite your proud mindset, you only have the mental strength that “you” have because “he” orchestrated your life and your genetic make up so that you will have it. Beware that you do not give credit where credit is due. God can make you lose your mental capacity in a moment’s notice, he’s done it before to a man in the bible, he can certainly do it to you. However, God loves you and simply wants you to look to him because he wants a commune with you. I however have learned to be very grateful for my weaknesses because although they are challenging, they have caused me to be ever so strong in his power and might. 2 corinthians 12:9-11 “for when I am weak, his power is made strong”.