I still trust you

When considering what the Lord is doing these days, and the fears that I still face, I think about how we either trust him or we don’t. If you know him, then you also know that there isn’t a single thing in your life that he doesn’t care about. He cares about you and he is not ignorant of our needs. I decided that if he doesn’t give me what I asked for, then that is because he has something else planned. To only focus on what you want from God is to not have a mature relationship with him. To trust him is to want what he wants, and to rest. I still trust you father. I know that you have plans for me. Help me not to be limited by my lack of understanding, or reliant on it. Help me also not feel like a failure when it feels like others are succeeding and getting ahead. Change my perspective. Amen

Updates: love, marriage, and saying goodbye

Its been so long since I’ve visited this site that it seems to be a ripe time to check in. I’ve had many changes over this past year. I’ve met and married God’s gift to me. The very week that we went on our honeymoon I found out that my mom had liver failure and metastatic cancer and that she was going to die. Right after I returned from my honeymoon I flew back home to my home state to say goodbye to my mom. I got to spend 3 days with her, and on the third day as I was on my flight back home she passed away. I’m still heart broken. She was only 60 years old. Up until she died I always felt unloved and rejected by her, but now I regret not appreciating the love I did receive from her, even when it wasn’t much. I should have tried to talk to her more. I should have visited More. But I am grateful that I got to see her in her last days, I got to watch movies with her and talk about our faith. I got to hear her thoughts about dying and her wishes. I got to kiss her and say I love you. I wish I had more, but I’m blessed to have the Lord’s peace and assurance that she is in heaven and I still get to experience her from time to time. I appreciate the lasting changes her untimely death made on my heart. I’m happy that I had a change in how I see life and how I have reconnected with my family, it has been so long. It had been a slight challenge to our new marriage but its nothing we can’t handle. God gave me a good one. I’m so glad that God helped me learn how to rely on him because no one can ever take the place of the lord. A spouse is nice, companionship is nice. It is not good for man to be alone, yet when God is present we are never alone. So these experiences have began a new book in my life, one that is now colored by love, strength in God, church, family, the lbs coming home, eternity and grief. There is so much to tell about. It is as if my story has just begun. My mom passed away April 19th, 2021. I was married April 3rd, 2021. My book was finalized and went to the market the day before my mom passed away, or at least that is when I first noticed it was on the market. My mom never got to read it though I was able to give her my original copy, but that doesn’t matter now because she already knows what is in it, and what is to come. Maybe she’ll help me with my next one.

The verse that God gave me concerning my mom’s salvation
My love and I
My book listing Amazon, now available on Kindle

4/17/21

Little girls and their moms

A little girl reaches her hand up to hold her mom’s hand, “mom, you are the best mom in the whole wide world”. A teenage girl writes a note to her mom stating, “you are the most beautiful person I know, and I strive to be like you”. A young lady had settled to not ever talk to her mom again, after feeling pushed away, hurt and rejected, yet when her mom is about to die she holds her hand and cries, “you are too young, it is not time for you to die yet”. The warmth a young woman feels when her mom touches her delicately and says “I love you”, and gives her a big hug. There is no rhyme or reason to a bond between a little girl and her mom. This is from God. Cherish every moment you have with your little girls, make amends with your mom. There is no replacement for the love that can occur between little girls and their moms.

God’s restoration

I’m feeling it in the atmosphere, God still restores. I’m about to read the final chapter in my book that is a test copy. Soon enough it will be going to the market and officially published. It is God’s way to bless me with the grace that comes with the chapter he ledme to write. This one is about God’s restoration. Even as venture into this chapter God’s promises to restore me come to my memory. I am also going through the process of seeing many old strong holds flash before me and also troubles that are plaguing my fiance and God reminds me that he is going to bless me. He is going to restore all things to me. This is his promise to me. Not by might, or by power, but by his spirit he will restore. You are so good to me heavenly father.

Put away the former things

Last year I had been set free from many fears, and also many toxic people. The Lord had given me a word from psalm 34:19 promising me that he would deliver me from all that troubled me. Then I saw a vision of him coming to me as a consuming fire and when he came upon me it was almost too much to bear, to be so close to his holy anger, but it was due to having a revelation of his love that I could endure. I also knew that his consuming fire would burn away all that caused me pain. I knew that anyone who caused me problems would regret it. This work that he began with me began from within me. God had began giving me revelations of how he saw my deepest thoughts and feelings and that those very things were what he cared about. I began to understand this past year how much God genuinely cares about us. This is where faith comes from. This is what Jesus spoke of when he told us not to be afraid or anxious about anything and then he spoke about the birds in the air and the lillies in the field, how neither of those creations strive for anything yet God still cares for them. This is the understanding that Jesus had when he touched people and they got healed. This was the love for people that he had when he died for them and forgave them. So I also experienced much rejection this past year from even spirit filled friends who even though were anointed and favored, also had their flaws. God showed me that again those who know him also stumble and fail. He removed everyone from my life who was unhealthy for me, whether they were gossiping about me or they were discouraging to me in some shape or form. I had identify with the scripture that said that God can make the rocks praise him, well he can also bring up the right friends from those rocks. The most impactful lesson I learned was to sit at Jesus feet and not rely on opinions of someone else, or on projects or anything else other than the words from his mouth to feed me. I was so weighed down by the words, thoughts, and opinions of other people that it was not making God happy. Even well meaning people, and he led me to just unfriend many and at the moment it was a little scary but later I felt the relief and understood even more why it was necessary. I learned about soul ties and how soul ties with anything or anybody outside the Lord’s guidance can truly weigh on the soul. I had an unhealthy relationship with a Christian man who looked good on paper in some ways but who was hurting me with his head games and it was poison for me. I finally let him go. Then I met my soul mate. We are courting and I am so happy to have met the man who God intended for me to be with. Yesterday as I prayed to the Lord about recent mistakes I had made he spoke to me and said, forget the former things. Forget the past mistakes you make. Forget the past ways of thinking and being and believing. Sometimes we are not called to figure out or fix but to let go and embrace God’s newness of life and his great mercy. Amen he has great things in store for me. I also submitted my first book for publishing and I was supposed to have my first copies by now. I expected them in November but I still don’t have them yet. I suppose I wasn’t meant to publish it until this year. I’m working on my second book as well.

Evil is Evil

Evil isn’t just a man with a butcher knife and a mask. Evil can also be the man who goes to church on Sunday, then to the strip club afterwards. He doesn’t mind that deep down that woman on the stage feels used and like she is only valued for her body, after all it is her choice to be up there right? Maybe she wouldn’t be up there if she was able to complete her college degree, or maybe she was sexually molested as a kid by her father and getting attention by showing her body was all she knew. After all, what good has ever come from following lusts? Pleasures that lead to sin and death are not what is good. Evil is the nice lady who gives the drug addict a smile but walks away not considering the need of that person’s soul. Evil is spending all your money and talents on what satisfies you while knowingly leaving a person in need who they had the ability to help. Evil is ganging up on a person and taking pleasure in watching that person fall rather than being love. Love is the enemy to what is evil. Really evil is just doing the opposite of love .

Waiting For Someone To Care

I had waited for someone to care. Yet Jesus was there, and he cared. I believe that most people at least one time in their life look for and wait for others to truly care. Sometimes we are blessed with those who care, but other times it feels as if no one cares. Jesus always cared. Jesus always cares. Jesus is God in the flesh, God’s son, and the word that was with God from the beginning, and was God per the books of John and 1 John. When people care life is good, but what about when they don’t care? Jesus always cares, and he’s always cared. We were not made on accident, as a matter of fact we are considered the most valuable creations in existence. I was not an accident and you were not an accident. Jesus had your name on his heart when he hung on the cross. The bible tells us that it was for the joy that was set before him that he endured the cross and its shame. It was because of the shame you endured, so that someone could literally say that he has been there. You were never alone. You are still not alone. There is always hope as long as today is called today, and it is when we have come to the end of hope in this life that we are in a position to truly gain life. Jesus said blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of God. It was for the lost, the sinner, the sick, the poor, the fatherless, the rejected, the hated, the proud, the caring, the mother, brother, lover it was for us all that Jesus came to this earth, that his Father, our creator sent him to stand in the gap and become sin, to become shame, to become sick, to become rejected, and afflicted and poor, to be bruised so that we will know that someone cared, and has been there. When Jesus cared, he really cared. He didn’t just say it with a smile and vain promises to always be there, no he showed it that when no one knew the meaning of it, he by faith died for you and me. He cared. Look at the Father who created us. Behold the creator of this world and all life. He is loving. He is kind. He willingly gave up his son and at the same time his life because he cared. He is still there, he still cares. You are not alone. Thank you Jesus for Saving the world, that all who would believe on you and call upon you can have their names written in your book of life.

Prince of Peace

Jesus said that he gives us peace, not as the world gives does he give.  I find this peace goes beyond understanding.   That is the difference about this peace, we have it yet we don’t understand it.  Right now I rest from trying to figure out life on my own.  This peace doesn’t require that I figure out the past, the future, the how’s.  What I do know is that it is all in his hands, the prince of peace and that even when fear comes knocking I don’t have to listen because he is greater than the voice of the world and he has overcome it.  I only need to follow his voice and trust in the prince of peace.  Hallelujah

Satisfaction In The Desert Place

Isaiah 51:3 KJV “For the Lord shall comfort Zion: he will comfort all her waste places; and he will make her wilderness like Eden, and her desert like the garden of the Lord; joy and gladness shall be found therein, thanksgiving, and the voice of melody”

I want to start with a praise to our God.  Dear Lord, thank you for being you.  While my flesh is hungry and thirsty for satisfaction, you have made it known to me that you will satisfy me while I wait for your promised land.  As a matter of fact, you are helping me have the faith that it is in the desert where you will establish me.  Who says I have to have a specific thing that my flesh sets its heart on, when you made the wind and the sea and you can certainly make my desert place like the garden of Eden?  My flesh is craving but my soul is demanding to put you first, and here I am Lord, doing the best that I can to serve you with all of my strength.  You have assured me that all the efforts that we make in faith, no matter how minute, will reap a harvest of righteousness.  You have told me so many times and still I come to you and seek and still you remind me repeatedly that it is in the waiting.  My garden is in the wilderness, because you can.  Whether I turn to the right or to the left you promise to speak to me from behind and tell me which way to go that I may walk in it.  As I seek you in my ways so that my path will be made straight you have strengthened me.  You have brought up stuff that I didn’t even know was present in my beliefs and ways and you certainly are faithful in making my path straight.  Though these lessons are painful, meaning that my flesh is always being disappointed, my inner voice that sticks up for me gets louder and stronger, and this little light of mine, I’m going to let it shine.  My flesh is still hungry.  But if it wasn’t for my hunger demanding to be quenched I wouldn’t be seeking you so fervently, so this is my thorn in the flesh.  Yet it isn’t a demon spawn so much as it is a driving force that brings me to you over and over again.  That is love God.  You use our human needs to lead us on paths that will lead to ever lasting glory and the whole time we didn’t know that was the plan.  I hate the growing process, I want to be complete right this moment.  It would be wonderful if I could grow more patiently and gracefully.  I am so hungry and thirsty and I still don’t even understand what it will take to quench it.  I do appreciate the lessons. 

You, Oh Lord, Are a shield about me.  You are the lifter of my head.  I love you.  Flesh and this earth have disjointed me.  I have sought satisfaction in the land but only you satisfy.  It is not your will that I have suffering yet it is the natural order of this world.  This world lacks you and I need you to live.  I need you to have peace.  I need you to filtrate every impurity from my soul and my brain.  You rescue me.  You will establish me.   You are my rock and my fortress and in you is all my hope.  Please perform your will in my life and soul.  Help me to love like you do and be a light for you.  Keep me from trespassing against you please show me how to be clean.  You are my deliverer.   Thank you for restoring me.  

Thank You Father

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Tonight I am remembering to give credit to who credit is due.  We all have human fathers, some are great fathers, some far from, nevertheless, even if we have great fathers, we must remember to whom credit is due.  It is always due to our heavenly father because all good things are a gift from God, and what is seen is only temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

I always want someone to praise and to meet someone who is praise worthy, yet I find so few people who deserve it.  As a matter of fact, when Jesus was approached and praised as “good teacher”, Jesus quickly replied, “good?  why do you call me good?  only one is good and that is God”.  Yet, I keep seeking that perfect person and yet I keep being disappointed over and over again.  So why do I keep searching hearts for that perfect person?

Maybe it is the Lord raising my standards.  As I seek perfection in others, I also am striving for perfection.  Oh no, I am far from perfection as I don’t meet my own standards on a daily basis, but I keep trying, and I like the person I have become.  As I have gotten to know and understand myself I am growing to really like myself, but this also requires the Lord’s help as he has to help me see myself the way he sees me.

The Lord Jesus is the example of perfect love, and as I have grown to experience it and understand it, I have been able to accept and love myself more.  It also has helped me to love others more as well.  I think that this need for perfection is God given, because he wants us to all be perfect like him.

When others fail us and fail to love us like we need or feel we deserve, then it is because they are lacking a little Jesus in their souls.  Maybe they are Christians but they are exposing areas of imperfection resulting from not being perfected by Christ’s perfect love.  I even hear preachers preaching hostile messages about people teaching people that God is all loving.  I understand their message in that they are concerned that this “Loving God” perception will prevent people from truly repenting, yet what is the world coming to when a preacher preaches against teaching about the love of God?  God is love, and it was because he loved us that he redeemed us.  Whether we love him or not is up to us, and that choice will determine our destiny, yet we cannot even seek him unless he draws us near to him, and he wouldn’t draw us near to him if he hadn’t made a choice to love us without condition.

People get hurt in this life, and they really destroy one another, yet no one has been hurt as much as we hurt God.  Every day that we make a selfish, inconsiderate choice it hurts God.  Every time we neglect to consider him it could hurt him, it is really fortunate that he won’t treat us the way that we treat one another, or even how we deserve.  Do not repay evil with evil, but overcome evil with good.  Jesus did it, so why shouldn’t I?

Thank you Father for resetting my life.  Thank you for being down to earth and caring about my every need.  Thank you for not leaving me orphaned.  Thank you for caring about my family.  Thank you for caring about how people treat me.  Thank you for caring about my soul.  Thank you for sending others into my life to say prayers for me.  Thank you for seeing me.  Thank you for setting my feet on your rock.  Thank you for opening my eyes.  Thank you for deliverance.  Thank you for a hope and a future.  Thank you for understanding.  Thank you for all of your gifts.  Thank you for confidence.  Thank you for shining your light in this clay vessel.  Thank you for your jealousy.  Thank you for fear that leads me to you.  Thank you for humbling me.  Thank you for making me weak.  Thank you for creating me with a need for you.  Thank you for everything.  Thank you my glorious heavenly Father.  I love you because you first loved me.

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