Its been so long since I’ve visited this site that it seems to be a ripe time to check in. I’ve had many changes over this past year. I’ve met and married God’s gift to me. The very week that we went on our honeymoon I found out that my mom had liver failure and metastatic cancer and that she was going to die. Right after I returned from my honeymoon I flew back home to my home state to say goodbye to my mom. I got to spend 3 days with her, and on the third day as I was on my flight back home she passed away. I’m still heart broken. She was only 60 years old. Up until she died I always felt unloved and rejected by her, but now I regret not appreciating the love I did receive from her, even when it wasn’t much. I should have tried to talk to her more. I should have visited More. But I am grateful that I got to see her in her last days, I got to watch movies with her and talk about our faith. I got to hear her thoughts about dying and her wishes. I got to kiss her and say I love you. I wish I had more, but I’m blessed to have the Lord’s peace and assurance that she is in heaven and I still get to experience her from time to time. I appreciate the lasting changes her untimely death made on my heart. I’m happy that I had a change in how I see life and how I have reconnected with my family, it has been so long. It had been a slight challenge to our new marriage but its nothing we can’t handle. God gave me a good one. I’m so glad that God helped me learn how to rely on him because no one can ever take the place of the lord. A spouse is nice, companionship is nice. It is not good for man to be alone, yet when God is present we are never alone. So these experiences have began a new book in my life, one that is now colored by love, strength in God, church, family, the lbs coming home, eternity and grief. There is so much to tell about. It is as if my story has just begun. My mom passed away April 19th, 2021. I was married April 3rd, 2021. My book was finalized and went to the market the day before my mom passed away, or at least that is when I first noticed it was on the market. My mom never got to read it though I was able to give her my original copy, but that doesn’t matter now because she already knows what is in it, and what is to come. Maybe she’ll help me with my next one.
A little girl reaches her hand up to hold her mom’s hand, “mom, you are the best mom in the whole wide world”. A teenage girl writes a note to her mom stating, “you are the most beautiful person I know, and I strive to be like you”. A young lady had settled to not ever talk to her mom again, after feeling pushed away, hurt and rejected, yet when her mom is about to die she holds her hand and cries, “you are too young, it is not time for you to die yet”. The warmth a young woman feels when her mom touches her delicately and says “I love you”, and gives her a big hug. There is no rhyme or reason to a bond between a little girl and her mom. This is from God. Cherish every moment you have with your little girls, make amends with your mom. There is no replacement for the love that can occur between little girls and their moms.
Last year I had been set free from many fears, and also many toxic people. The Lord had given me a word from psalm 34:19 promising me that he would deliver me from all that troubled me. Then I saw a vision of him coming to me as a consuming fire and when he came upon me it was almost too much to bear, to be so close to his holy anger, but it was due to having a revelation of his love that I could endure. I also knew that his consuming fire would burn away all that caused me pain. I knew that anyone who caused me problems would regret it. This work that he began with me began from within me. God had began giving me revelations of how he saw my deepest thoughts and feelings and that those very things were what he cared about. I began to understand this past year how much God genuinely cares about us. This is where faith comes from. This is what Jesus spoke of when he told us not to be afraid or anxious about anything and then he spoke about the birds in the air and the lillies in the field, how neither of those creations strive for anything yet God still cares for them. This is the understanding that Jesus had when he touched people and they got healed. This was the love for people that he had when he died for them and forgave them. So I also experienced much rejection this past year from even spirit filled friends who even though were anointed and favored, also had their flaws. God showed me that again those who know him also stumble and fail. He removed everyone from my life who was unhealthy for me, whether they were gossiping about me or they were discouraging to me in some shape or form. I had identify with the scripture that said that God can make the rocks praise him, well he can also bring up the right friends from those rocks. The most impactful lesson I learned was to sit at Jesus feet and not rely on opinions of someone else, or on projects or anything else other than the words from his mouth to feed me. I was so weighed down by the words, thoughts, and opinions of other people that it was not making God happy. Even well meaning people, and he led me to just unfriend many and at the moment it was a little scary but later I felt the relief and understood even more why it was necessary. I learned about soul ties and how soul ties with anything or anybody outside the Lord’s guidance can truly weigh on the soul. I had an unhealthy relationship with a Christian man who looked good on paper in some ways but who was hurting me with his head games and it was poison for me. I finally let him go. Then I met my soul mate. We are courting and I am so happy to have met the man who God intended for me to be with. Yesterday as I prayed to the Lord about recent mistakes I had made he spoke to me and said, forget the former things. Forget the past mistakes you make. Forget the past ways of thinking and being and believing. Sometimes we are not called to figure out or fix but to let go and embrace God’s newness of life and his great mercy. Amen he has great things in store for me. I also submitted my first book for publishing and I was supposed to have my first copies by now. I expected them in November but I still don’t have them yet. I suppose I wasn’t meant to publish it until this year. I’m working on my second book as well.
I had waited for someone to care. Yet Jesus was there, and he cared. I believe that most people at least one time in their life look for and wait for others to truly care. Sometimes we are blessed with those who care, but other times it feels as if no one cares. Jesus always cared. Jesus always cares. Jesus is God in the flesh, God’s son, and the word that was with God from the beginning, and was God per the books of John and 1 John. When people care life is good, but what about when they don’t care? Jesus always cares, and he’s always cared. We were not made on accident, as a matter of fact we are considered the most valuable creations in existence. I was not an accident and you were not an accident. Jesus had your name on his heart when he hung on the cross. The bible tells us that it was for the joy that was set before him that he endured the cross and its shame. It was because of the shame you endured, so that someone could literally say that he has been there. You were never alone. You are still not alone. There is always hope as long as today is called today, and it is when we have come to the end of hope in this life that we are in a position to truly gain life. Jesus said blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of God. It was for the lost, the sinner, the sick, the poor, the fatherless, the rejected, the hated, the proud, the caring, the mother, brother, lover it was for us all that Jesus came to this earth, that his Father, our creator sent him to stand in the gap and become sin, to become shame, to become sick, to become rejected, and afflicted and poor, to be bruised so that we will know that someone cared, and has been there. When Jesus cared, he really cared. He didn’t just say it with a smile and vain promises to always be there, no he showed it that when no one knew the meaning of it, he by faith died for you and me. He cared. Look at the Father who created us. Behold the creator of this world and all life. He is loving. He is kind. He willingly gave up his son and at the same time his life because he cared. He is still there, he still cares. You are not alone. Thank you Jesus for Saving the world, that all who would believe on you and call upon you can have their names written in your book of life.
Today’s lesson is about natural selection. Have you ever wondered why so many male animals must fight each other before the breeding begins? I have. The experts have concluded that this is “nature’s” process of natural selections, which they explain helps ensure that only the strongest and most viable male will inseminate the females for the best offspring. At least this is how I recall it being taught. While I am just as intrigued as the next person about nature, I also understand that this is not “nature” but rather it is God who has a purpose for everything.
Job 12:7-10King James Version (KJV)
“But ask now the beasts, and they shall teach thee; and the fowls of the air, and they shall tell thee: Or speak to the earth, and it shall teach thee: and the fishes of the sea shall declare unto thee. Who knoweth not in all these that the hand of the Lord hath wrought this? In whose hand is the soul of every living thing, and the breath of all mankind”
Job 35:11King James Version (KJV)
“Who teacheth us more than the beasts of the earth, and maketh us wiser than the fowls of heaven?”
God gave us rule of the animals of the earth, but that does not mean that they do not serve his purpose or are valuable as he cares for them and just as we reveal the glory of God, being made in his image, so do the animals of the earth. There are many passages in scripture which explain to us life lessons related to how animals behave in nature. One example is given regarding how the ants work hard (Proverbs 6:6), another is telling us to consider the birds of the air, how God cares for them (Matthew 6:26). Since there is so many lessons about life regarding the ways of animals, then what can we learn about male competitiveness and rams? ??
…. As I considered these things, the Lord helped me understand something about himself as compared to the way of rams according to my understanding. He showed me that two rams butting heads for the right to mate with the female, is like him and Satan butting heads over who wins the affections of our souls. When our egos are at war with one another, when the carnal part of us is warring with the conscience, it is like two rams butting heads. The beauty of this is that God has allowed us to have natural selection. He doesn’t force us to choose him, but instead he will butt heads with Satan over you. The stronger one always wins in the end. Part of the natural process is that the one who we truly love the most will be revealed. Hallelujah!
I have an issue with questioning who my future husband will be. I inspect many people who come across my path. I have always been husband focused. I hate this. It is a desire that never meets satisfaction. I believe that everything will work out for my good, even the minor, more pesky challenges that I face. Even this issue I keep having. I believe that God uses this need within me to help me understand that he is my husband. No, I don’t believe it is wrong to remarry and I know I will marry again, but this time I have a new purpose, and that is to please Jesus and have true contentment. Not a life of my own making, but rather of his choosing. As I keep asking, “who is my husband”, I am reminded of the way God showed my heart to me today and revealed to me that he is working on my behalf about diverse things. Then I am once again reminded that God is my husband. What does it mean to call God my husband? It means that he watches out for me. He is faithful to me and is thinking about me. He understands me like no one else can understand me, and he is for me and not against me. He is the best listener. He is the most loyal friend. He is there even when I don’t deserve it. He cherishes me and tells me how much he adores me. He gives me gifts. He is Sovereign and reveals to me that he is in control and that I have to only trust him and obey. God is so Sovereign, when I look upon this I have a deeper need within me met that wants to be submissive. I want to let him lead me. I want to be cared for and loved. I don’t want to be mistreated. God is truly my husband, and I can enjoy this union with him even better than if I was married to a carnal man. Lord, help me forget about this need or put it in its proper place. Amen.
I had a dream this morning that I was tempted and eager to give into that temptation. As a matter of fact I had made a choice to give in, but while preparing to give in to the lusts of the flesh, I briefly looked to God and prayed. What happened next was that he closed the doors. I could have pushed them open and forced the sin, but instead I went with it and accepted that God looked out for me and prevented me from sinning. While laying in bed awake afterwards I was feeling the weight of my flesh desires verses my knowledge of what is right. I hate the idea of is standing before God after I had knowingly given into sin, especially after all that he has done for me, such as giving me the gift of knowledge and many mercies. How can I not stand there condemned? I would accuse myself! I don’t need Satan to accuse me. Usually scenarios like what happened in my dream adds to my anxiety because I know better, yet I choose to engage in that temptation anyways. But, in my dream God delivered me. God has forgiven me. I also think of all the people who I judged because they gave into their weaknesses and knowingly sinned against me or a loved one. Here’s a difficult concept for some people to accept, God knows we are evil in our flesh nature, and he has chosen to forgive us. Jesus died so that when I sin, it can be forgiven. Does that mean that I or anyone should knowingly engage in sin? No, we should not knowingly engage in sins, yet there are times when we will. If it was not for his forgiveness, great love, and mercy then who could stand? No one could stand. I am just not good enough. No one is good enough. We have all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. This is reason to praise God. He loved us enough that while we were sinners he died for us. Lord, please help me remember that forgiveness is necessary in relationships even when the other person lets us down, and that love covers a multitude of sins. Thank you for reminding me that you love me despite my temptations and failures. It is my desire that I won’t fail anymore. Help me be stronger than I am, yet I am grateful that without your grace I cannot succeed. It is because you love me and forgive me that I am able to stand. Deliver me from evil, and from temptations. Lift up my feet so that I will soar above the trials and not hit my feet on the stones. I am righteous because you have loved me and because I said no even though I could have. You want me to remember that. I was tempted, but when you made a way out, I took it. Thank you for making a way out. Thank you for encouraging me that before your site and because of your great wisdom, I am righteous. I am the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus. Amen. What the Lord is telling me this morning is that this is spiritual warfare, and that no weapon formed against me will prosper. Hallelujah!
I’ve been wondering why I haven’t been able to successfully date someone? I mean I recently had a boyfriend who was far away, we never met in person, but when it comes to dating men nearby I have anxiety. Honestly, I have had anxiety anyways which also made it hard for me to enjoy my long distance relationship. I realize that I have just not been really ready. I know that God will make all things clear, and that he knows this is a topic that concerns me and he cares. Sometimes it is the seeking that gives us the answers we need. Only if we know the questions we seek. I know that God will cause all things to work out for my good. How do I know when its time? I think that I will know it is right when I am not trying to force it. I think I will know it is right when I am not trying to compromise. I think that the reason I can wait, even though I hate waiting, is because I do not need a partner, though God may bless me with one. I need only one, and that is God. Two are better than one, but two is not mandatory, and should not replace our relationship with God. God has made it clear to me that he makes me sufficient for my girls who don’t have their dad. His love for me is also sweeter than that of any man. When we have God, then we have all that we need. I need to complete God’s project that he gave me. I trust him to provide for all of my needs. It is in the waiting he has shown me. Maybe it is when I am certain that I am enough that I will be ready. I don’t know if my self-concept will ever change, but God knows what I need. He knows when I’m ready. Lord, please lead me and enlighten the eyes of my understanding. Amen.
I said goodbye so many times. Now I find my mind still wonders to him. This time I’m reminded as to why I keep saying goodbye. When it is not right, it just is not right, no matter how much we had want it to be right. Be brave enough to say goodbye. God makes all things right. God is always right. Just let him go, and this time, mean it when you say goodbye. God has bigger plans for the both of you. This time, don’t think about what could’ve been, or even what should have been, though what should have been was genuine love. It doesn’t make either of you wrong, it means that you are now growing up. Be brave enough to say goodbye. Saying goodbye doesn’t mean you hate each other, it means that you love each other by doing what is best for the other. People talk of toxic people and toxic love, yet is there one person who is truly better than another? We all have our flaws and failures, we all screw up in one way or another. It means that you have different callings, and gifts that are unique to your own life and if you have a conflict of interest, you will always be at odds. Take your time and chose right before you say I do. Chose to love each other and if you cannot give yourself up for the other than allow them to go. Be brave and say goodbye.
This might be a shocker statement to some religious folks out there. Surely someone wouldn’t make assumptions about what I mean without first reading what I have to say. We are told that we now have a righteousness apart from the law, and that is faith in God through Jesus Christ (Romans 3:21). What this means for me is that God is my confidant, if I have a problem or concern about anything I can go to him about it, and he also justifies me. He made the law. Why go to the law when looking for the truth? The written law is in black and white and without personality, it does not think, it is merely words with an open and shut case. It will never be able to mold or bend to allow for your weakness. It is not able to think for you. It does not have feelings for you. God, on the other hand has feelings. If you had an issue with being able to keep a law, like if you had a debt you owed, and you weren’t able to pay it, and you were able to go to the judge who issued the law in the first place, without fear because he was a loving and merciful man, wouldn’t you rather do it, or just let the law judge you? This is the beauty of being able to approach the throne of grace, is that unlike the written law, the one who sits on the throne, the law maker is able to adjust it for you, or show you how to fulfill it with added grace. God is not out to punish us. He is not a tyrant. He wants us to approach him. He wants us to fulfill the law in spirit and in truth, not for the sake of the cold, unfeeling words of the law, but rather for the sake of truth and righteousness. Therefore, it is not the law that I bow my knee to, but it is only God who I serve. The law is a boundary keeper. The law is a wall set along the path of righteousness to keep us on the right path, but the law is not in charge, rather God is. How sad to think that so many christian, myself included, have believed that the law itself was God. That the law which is unforgiving and relentless would be our final judge, when this whole time they were given provision to enter into God’s throne room of grace to help them along the way, the maker of the law. When a person is struggling at their job, for whatever reason, maybe they are having personal problems at home, would they need to fear if they were best friends with an understanding boss who is patient and merciful? Some Christians see that being chummy with the boss and taking advantage of that privilege is simply just not holy, and they set up their own laws and walls for others to follow, but to what advantage? This is still an attempt to find justification outside of the sacrifice of Jesus’s life, all else is rubbish and should be counted as loss. Just admit it, you are not ever going to truly measure up. Only daddy can lead the way. Only he can justify. God is God.
Isaiah 45:2 KJV
“I will go before thee, and make the crooked places straight: I will break in pieces the gates of brass, and cut in sunder the bars of iron”