That Is Hunger….

hunger

 

That lack of satisfaction with something in your life, that is called hunger.  That need to change something about yourself which never goes away even when you justify it, that is hunger.  That lack of peace and happiness you feel, that is hunger.  Hunger is similar to the empty, burning you feel in your stomach pouch when your body runs low on fuel, sometimes hunger is manifested in other areas of your body, such as weakness, tiredness, irritability.  Those who have low blood sugar often feel the pains of hunger and learn to easily identify when they need to eat.  It is common knowledge that those of us who overeat on food, are often try to substitute soul hunger for physical hunger.  We even are so convinced that it is hard to train our brain otherwise, stressful eventual= sudden irresistible urge to raid the fridge or order a cheesy pizza.. or .. fill in the blank.

The bible speaks much about soul hunger, and even tells us the name of it, giving it a label for those of us who like and rely on labels, this label can help us identify what we are actually hungry for.  This label is called, “righteousness”.  Yes, we are deeply hungry for righteousness, to the point that without it we may whither away and die in our souls.  The Lord has helped me become familiar with this new label, and as I seek him when I’m feeling dissatisfied, he is teaching me why.  True, we humans often have emotions or a longing for something and we can’t even identify what the need is.  Some of us who believe we are smart in our rights will often label it ourselves, but we are told that this is foolishness, and to fear God and not rely on our own understanding.  He says, “acknowledge me in all your ways and I will make your paths straight”.  As smart as I think that I am, I have learned that I really know nothing unless the Lord teaches me.  So all that I have is from him.  I know much only because I seek him much as a clueless vessel.  “Lord, please help me know, I don’t have a clue”.  He honors that, he is merciful and expands my understanding a lot.  I cannot brag, it is all from him because I admit I don’t have a clue.  When we humble ourselves before him, he will lift us up.  Humility is simply understanding who the credit truly belongs to, that is all.  Those who believe it is because they are naturally smarter than everyone else, are truly the foolish ones, and those who are the dumb and weak in the world, God will lift them up.  Actually, we are all the same to God, foolish or humble, he exalts all who ask because he gives graciously to all without finding fault (James 1:5).

So, as I was saying, when I ask God, “why am I feel dissatisfied, why do I feel discontent?”  He reminds me of something that I have been struggling with for as long as I can recall, and I think of all the ways I have tried to overcame, only to fail.  How I’ve tried to accept it, how at moments of weakness I make excuses and justify it, making room for the flesh.  The bottom line is, even though my flesh is so entrenched and does not want to  change, but Jesus died so that I can have freedom from that.  That is called  being dead in the flesh.  As long as I live according to the old dead man, I will reap soul death.  Jesus died so that I can overcome and rise above.

If I was content living in that state of old ways and having soul death, then I wouldn’t need a Savior nor would I have hope for something better.  Yet, because I have been saved by grace through faith, I been promised new life, and for this reason I am dissatisfied.  That is called soul hunger.  That has been given a label which Jesus called, “righteousness”.  He said, “blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be satisfied (Matthew 5:6).  If you are a Christian, and are feeling dissatisfied, I assure you that you are hungry.  Sure, you believe you are hungry for _______..  fill in the blank but I’m predicting what you think belongs in that blank is a desire you have been longing for, but that is not what you are hungry for.  What you and I and every person hungers for is to be righteous.  The dead hunger for life, those who have never been born again.  They are at risk of never obtaining true life as long as they reject the truth and embrace Satan’s lie that there is no true salvation nor purpose in this life.  They say coping is the way to handle this life, to make the best of it, and then expect to die, the end.  Those who are saved, long for fullness of life.  They long to step out of the chicken coop and soar above the storm, because they are now an eagle though in their old way of believing they still live as if they are a chicken who can only hop, flapping its wings and go so far.  We all are meant to soar.  Soaring is being alive, identifying with life, and this begins with dissatisfaction.  Friends, that dissatisfaction is a gift.  It is called, “hunger and thirst for righteousness”.  Until we meet that need, and rise above our old ways of thinking and believing, then we will never have that need quenched.  There is no substitute for it.  It is time to stop believing that you can’t, or that you don’t want to change, because that is a lie.  Instead, let that hunger motivate you to seek what truly satisfies.

When I understand that this intense hunger is a need to overcome, then I also realize there is more aggression to overcome.  I don’t want to be held back any longer.  I don’t want to be passively accept status quo.  I can’t.  I’m hungry.  When a person truly becomes hungry enough, they cannot ignore it anymore.  At some point they stop waiting for food to fall in their life.  If they have no food in the fridge or no money to buy more, than they will beg or start looking in other people’s dumpsters.  When we have a hunger for righteousness, we can get so hungry that we will do whatever we have to do to be filled.  Thank You Lord Jesus for giving us this hunger.  Surely those who have it and see it for what it is, will finally be satisfied.

Rejections, Acceptance, and Waiting

rejection

I could go into detail about my own personal trials, but I don’t think the details matter, plus they might bore some.  I think that we all experience rejection of some kind, when what we seek after or hope for ends in disappointment.  It turns out that the things that we think we need or want are not always part of God’s plan.  Sometimes when we really want something, Satan will tease us with a counterfeit that at the moment seems like everything we ever dreamed up.. but wait.  Then, after we set our heart on it, our hopes are disappointed.  I suppose part of the difficulty in waiting is actually  waiting.  I could have said yes when counterfeits presented itself, or pushed for them, yet I didn’t.  For that I am grateful.  The times when I would have clung to that counterfeit blessing, God closed the door or intervened somehow.  We can be confident that all things in are God’s control.    One thing is clear that despite what our personal trial is, as we wait there is something greater in store for us.  James 1:4 explains to us that when we experience trials and are forced to wait for better times, then it makes us perfect.  Once we are made perfect, then we don’t lack any good thing.  God is certainly able to give us what we need right now, he could bring us riches, a perfect partner, a child, fame or popularity, restored health right now.  Surely his word even explains to us that it is his plan to make us prosper.  Yet, it is God’s plan to make us truly prosper and we are also told that any good thing we have on earth, is only momentary.  Even when he finally gives us what he has promised to us, we won’t have what is needed to be truly perfect and have lasting wellness, until a greater work is done within our heart, our understanding, our soul.  As I’ve waited to have the perfect relationship, hoping to get rid of the loneliness I feel or adding increased satisfaction to me and my family, something has happened.  My needs and desires have changed, and are still evolving.  For surely our light and momentary afflictions are truly only light and momentary compared to the greater glory that will result (2 Corinthians 4:17).  We have three choices the way I see it, we can either rush the process, taking control and grabbing hold of the counterfeit, which will lead to even greater disappointment.  We can be miserable and sulk while we wait, getting angry, rebellious, having a bad attitude, becoming hopeless and frustrated, which does not rush the process it just only adds to our suffering, or we can wait, pray, praise God and focus on what he wants us to focus on.  Hebrews chpt. 12 have much to say about enduring hardship and sufferings, in which we are encouraged to think of our trials as God’s discipline, not the kind of discipline that we call punishment, but rather discipline as in training.  In Hebrews 12:11 we are told something very important, that “if” we are trained by it, we will reap a harvest of righteousness that will be so satisfying.  The key word is “if”.  This has told me that my attitude during personal trials will determine “if” I am being trained by them, or if I am just being like a child and having a tantrum.  We have a choice.  Trials are allowed from God for one purpose, and that is to train us.   The old testament is full of evidence that supports that God used trials to win back his children, to bring them to repentance and to train them, changing their hearts, but many of his children grew rebellious.  The crew that were delivered from Pharoh in Exodus are an example of children with stinky attitudes that chose to have disbelief, despite the miraculous works that they had witnessed, who lacked trust though they tested God repeatedly, and who God finally decided to not allow them to inherit the blessing that he was leading them to in the first place.  I don’t want to become that obstinate, willfully rebellious child who God finally decides not to give me the inheritance he had promised.  I want to be trained, I will take my licks and learn my lessons, and afterwards I will be grateful and trust him regardless of what he dishes out to me.  You want to give me manna rather than meat, ok God done.  Yum.  Am I getting irritated again, ok Lord I’m sorry my flesh grows weak sometimes please have mercy on me and please don’t stop guiding and correcting me, but do what you feel is needed so that I will repent.  I am yours Lord, I want what you plan to give me, and if it is only the desert place then I will praise you for it because father knows best.  I trust God.  I believe.  He is my portion.  Change me Lord, amen.

Where Can I Go?

Where can I go that you that you won’t be there? Why do I act as if I have to get your attention when you are already there? I don’t have to attract you, you pursued me before I even knew who you were. What can I do that would separate me from your love? Can anything separate me from your love? My only limitation has been my own lack of understanding, but since you are everywhere, then why do I have to be limited? If I need your help, I only have to ask. You are there. Everywhere I go, you are there. You are near me, you are not far. You know how many hairs I have on my head, and you have designed me to have many. What is wrong inside of me Lord? Find that thing. Whatever it is that seeks to pervert my idea of you, or get in between my understanding of you, please seek it and destroy it Jesus. Bring every thought within me and around me into the submission of your will and stoke the Holy Ghost fire. Every time something is sent to distract me Lord, please use it as tinder to cause a bigger blaze of fire. Oh my soul, why ever be downcast within me, Jesus is greater than he who is in the world. When he hung on the cross at Calvary and rose again to take his rightful place on the throne of my soul he rested from his work and said it was done. The final touches that were needed to seal the deal of my salvation were done when for the pardon of my iniquities he died on that cross. Thoughts come against my very sense of self-worth and accomplishment. Bullets have always been aimed at my head to steal my light. People, even God fearing people want to help Satan to try to dim the natural light within my soul without even knowing it. Lord, you have made my enemies stepping stones and tinder for the fire that you meant to burn so bright. My enemies kneel down and help me step up, up and up until I truly am a city on a hill so that I can magnify you over the entire earth. Who can put out this Holy flame? I am the bride of Christ.

God’s Love Is Perfect

God’s love is perfect. He loves us when we don’t deserve it, and because he is so loving, he will justify us when we trespass against him because he came to us first. We love him because he first loved us. His love is perfect. When men and women did not esteem him, and even hated him, he died for them on the cross. He did this even though they would not recognize what he had done. He received no recognition from many for his sacrifice. He didn’t do good to us so that we would love him in return, rather he did good to us because of love. His love is perfect. When we looked to the world to make us whole, and it chewed us up and spit us out, and we cried, wondering who was there, did anyone truly care, he was there and unlike no other he understood because he was alone too while he was being treated like a criminal when he was really innocent, hanging on that cross. God’s love is perfect, and it was manifested in his Son, who died and gave his life for us. Not so that we could ever give him anything in return, but because he truly loved us. His love is still perfect.

Walls

wallsA little more than a year ago i experienced a traumatic heart break in which an ex fiance betrayed me and it was a major shock. He was my last hope at a surviving relationship . We both had come from heart breaks and broken pasts and we used to tell eachother that if we didn’t last, neither of us had it in us to try to have a relationship again. We were both that damaged and broken . He looked me in the eyes and told me how wonderful I was and how dumb the men before me were and promised never to hurt me. For the first time in my life I began to relax and feel like everything would be alright , and then he betrayed me.

This ended up being the best thing that happened in my life. This was the point of surrender for me. Up until this point I had loved the Lord but I had not submitted to him in the area of my love life, and when we don’t submit in one area we end up not submitting in many areas .

The Lord Jesus came to me in spirit one morning when I was heart broke, and put his arm around my shoulders, comforting me. He reminded me of the woman at the well who had had many husbands and also lived with a current man who she wasnt married to, and then they had a conversation about living water verses the water that the world gave. It wasn’t a coincidence that this woman was in her 5th relationship and Jesus told her that those who drink from the water the world gives would thirst again… this was my life. Because i was drinking world water and not the living water I kept having failed relationships . I was the woman at the well. I made a decision that day that from then on I would truly surrender my life to him, especially my relationships. I had tasted the water the world gave me and i kept thirsting. They all failed me, they all hurt me, betrayed me, lied to me, didn’t give me what i longed and craved for.. perfect love .

After I had rededicated my life to the Lord, I knew I would need strength because men had always been my idol next to God.. So i joined a Christian singles site (better than a dating site) so that i could find motivation and strength from other Christians who also sought to be single like me.. or so I thought .. anyways I met many friends and this changed my life…

At first I was prepared to be single for the rest of my days, but the Lord told me he was bringing me a husband because he felt I needed one. I told him that only in him would I ever be able trust again.. I’ve had hope to trust again, but I knew that this was impossible without God..

Today I now see differently by his grace . By his grace I’ve learned that in my years of being hurt Ive built walls, these structures in my mind come now as automatic thoughts… no one can be trusted they say, when the men say the right things my mind says “they all say the right things”, when the men appear right, my mind says “yeah but the devil is a skilled liar and pretender” the men say.. “but im not your ex” but my mind says, “yeah yeah yeah I’ve heard this before ” the men say, “you want someone perfect” and my mind says, “yes i have him, his name is Jesus and you are not it”… the men say, “you need to get over it, move on” my mind says..”i cannot force that you don’t understand “.. the man says, “i cannot be with someone who doubts me” my mind says, “then you are with the wrong person i am unable to trust anyone”.

I’ve struggled with this because how can one have the need and urge to be with someone, yet be hopeless at the same time? “You need counseling Jenifer ” my friend says, my mind says, “years of therapy cannot fix me, because I am unfixable.”

I desperately want to feel safe, not be afraid , but i can’t. The walls my mind have built had become a prison and not a safe haven. But God….

 

 

You see something my friends via the holy spirit have been saying to me lately is.. you cannot have faith and doubt at the same time, you cannot have certainty and fear at the same time… the break through came when i understood that I had to make a Choice. Either I believe God or I don’t . My friend said, “are you going to believe God that he will keep you safe and deliver you?”.. the key is to not be anxious but to run to God for everything, and… if he says something, I don’t allow contrary feelings and thoughts to deture me. I also discovered that there is a strong contrary voice with me so i stand against Satan by not only rebuking him… because I got a revelation today that after i was mistreated by one of my exes id had this controlling, unclean spirit with me so i rebuked that by his grace. Now I have a different belief. A year ago I said “I cannot trust anyone “, now I can say sincerely that ,”there are plenty of trustworthy men who are faithful and genuine. There are men who truly love God and who would genuinely love me and treat me well”.. i had been raped by Satan.. mind raped mostly .. and now he is being treaded upon under my feet. I believe in the spiritual aspect of freedom from demonic influence that begins with rebuking the devourer, but that is only part of healing . That is pulling out the root of evil. But healing continues as we become reformed in our thinking .. now i see that these automatic thoughts that have been walls forming a prison i couldnt break free from were first built to protect me. With Satan out of the picture we can begin healing, now with God’s grace I seek to be healed of every painful belief.. it also includes reliving painful memories and seeing Jesus with me this time

..all that was done to me was done by Satan and was a weapon meant to destroy me.. but God will restore all that he took from me. Amen.

 

Turn Your Eyes To Him

“But, I don’t see God”, one might say. Turn your eyes to him, turn around and look at him, he is there. We don’t “see” him because we are not looking at him, instead we are looking at something else. We are looking at a care of the world, a desire that is rooted in the world, we are looking at a project, a chore, a job, a fun activity, a book, a movie, a drawing, the clouds, the back of our eye lids. Every time we look for him, we will find him. Here is a secret. Looking at his word is the same as looking at him. Looking at the law of freedom gives us freedom and shows us who we truly are, and it is the same as looking at God, because he is the truth. Does that mean that God is some kind of metaphor for truth, not at all. Rather, God was and is, and then his words were written in a book, and came to earth in the form of Jesus, and then came to earth as his holy spirit who resides in each of us who have embraced the truth. The truth IS God, but God is still God. Selah.

You Don’t Think He Cares?

I looked down at my child and saw that they were anxious. This bothered me, I had no pleasure from it. This got me thinking about us and God our heavenly father. Humans are not equipped for anxiety. We were not meant to be burdened. What causes us to be burdened is trying to figure out things or to try to do things independent of God. God does not want his children to be anxious, and when he sees us anxious he does not like it. What is that thing you are thinking about that has you feeling fretful? He says, “my child, be anxious for nothing, I will take care of you”. Why then we might ask, has he not taken care of me yet? The next question you should ask yourself is this, have you taken your cares to him.. and… waited for him to answer? You see, I am very good about taking my cares to him, but waiting for him to move is another ball game. He says, “I am able”. When we know he cares about us, and I mean about every little thing that concerns us, then we will run to him. Think about the time you had a friend who cared about you and you felt you could safely run to them and be yourself. That is God, he is “that” friend. Maybe you have never had a friend like that, well guess what, God is that friend you have missed and longed for. He is the comforter for your soul. He is not imagined, he is, as he says “I am that I am”. He is the great, “I am”. He is it all. He is all you have ever hoped for or imagined. You don’t believe me? Try him. He says, “taste and see that I am good”. Go to him with that very thing that is making you feel worried, talk to him about it, ask him for a solution, and then.. wait…. he will counsel you he is waiting for you to truly seek him, seek his face. Get to know home. God I am so grateful that I have a God who is perfect like you. I am so grateful that you are slow to anger and full of mercy. Thank you for your promises that we can trust. You say that when we seek you first everything else will be added to us. I count on it father, my God who cares.

Missing Pieces

You are always the same. No matter how I feel, you are there, and you care about what I need. That has been the most liberating experience that I’ve had since I’ve been in a relationship with you my Lord. If I turn my thoughts to you, you keep me in perfect peace. Because when I turn my thoughts to you, I see that you are with me. You have always been there, but when I consider you, I can see your presence better. Not only this, but you are your own being, so even when I’m not consciously thinking about you, you speak up and remind me that you are with me. That is pleasant. Lately when I have a worry start to crop up, as it seems there is always something to concern ourselves about, you have started reminding me that you know what I need. Sometimes when we accept where we are, and what we have vs what we don’t yet have, then that is when you change things. Maybe you won’t change something right away, and often times you don’t. Why? We shouldn’t concern ourselves with earthly things that we have no control over. I realize that even if I suddenly had that one thing that I think would make me feel better, I might experience relief for a few days before my mind moves on to the next thing that needs fixed. While we are here on earth, there will always be something that needs fixed, and if we get upset over what needs fixed, then we will always be upset. Maybe having missing puzzle pieces is meant so that you can show us how you put together the most beautiful puzzle. It is almost like a surprise if we think about it. We see that missing puzzle piece all the time, but every time we pass by it, we wonder to ourselves, “what will it look like when he places that piece in?” Those missing puzzle pieces are meant to be filled in by him, some pieces a little faster then others, but always it is perfect. Let us think about the problems in our lives as small inconveniences that will be satisfied soon enough in a way that makes more pieces fit together to be something grand and beautiful, instead of failures on our part for having missing pieces.

Romans 8:28 New International Version (NIV)

28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose.

Isaiah 26:3 New King James Version (NKJV)

You will keep him in perfect peace,
Whose mind is stayed on You,
Because he trusts in You.

2 Corinthians 4:17 New International Version (NIV)

17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.

I want to please you

God I want to please you. Please help me be pleasing to you. I find it hard to focus even my thoughts on you as there are so many hindrances in this life to keep us distracted. It takes great discipline to focus on your face and giving you praise. I understand with my mind that it is the right thing to do, however the flesh is deceiving and weak. Help me always put you first. Please make my thoughts pleasing to you, teach me how. Help me worship you and have the words to form a thought about you. I know it is right. Help me walk pleasingly in your sight. I want everything I do to be perfume to you. I want to always have pure motives. I want to understood everything that you think about me. I want more than anything to understand you. I have asked and still have hope that you will let me actually see your face. I wonder what you look like up close and personal. I wonder if you look like a child, or a beggar, or a saint. What of your eyes, do we have to be pure light to see with eyes. Do we have to have special glasses to filter the glory of your face before we see shape? I want to see what you look like. I want to be there with you and be where you are, and I want to dwell with you and always be at your side. I want to know you in the most intimate way. Help me I want to see your face. I want to be where you are, I want to know you. I think that you are maybe not what we would expect to see, maybe you are what we would call “ugly” but yet be the most beautiful because of the inner beauty that emanates. I want intimacy in such a real way, with the Lord of lights. Maybe, just maybe I was designed to truly be the bride of Jesus. Amen.

Comforted- Perfect Love

jesusandbrideI’m in a process right now of grieving because God is having a “coming to Jesus” meeting with me, so to speak. I have realized that my focus on men is idolatry for me, and is simply a distraction that makes me have sorrow. I have been so afraid he’s leading me to be single, while at the same time wishing I had the grace of a eunuch, not having the need to be with a man. Now I’ve come to a cross roads that I am called to focus all my attention back to him, and to not do so is straight up disobedience. So I grieve because of recent perceptions and doubts about a man I love and feeling rejected. The Lord reminds me every time that I am hurting because I am tangling myself with man flesh (not literally just yet), and setting my heart on man who is imperfect, when in all honesty it is perfect love that I truly need not only now, but maybe for the rest of my life. I have anguish when I consider my desire to be with a man, yet am not sure how I would ever be content with anything less than the best which I doubt I’d ever have with a human. I have my will, my understanding which at times feels so limiting, and then I have God’s will that I do not know. I do know this however, I want what his will is more than I want my own will. So now for the sake of knowing that “father knows best” I am yielding to his will which is to focus on him right now. Put him first right now. Make him my love right now. I am not going to lie, it is a struggle. I am still thinking about the man I care about, still going through the hurt I feel from doubt, still hopeful it can work out, the grief of dying to my will completely not knowing if I’ll ever know a man again as I do so which has been a solid idol in my life for years, and just down about these things, then coming back to hearing God in the back ground in spirit dropping scripture after scripture in my heart saying, “today is the day that the lord has made, rejoice and be glad in it”, “all good things come from above from the father of heavenly lights”, “praise God for all the things his hands have made”, “there is nothing in all creation that can separate you from my love”, “he works all these light and momentary afflictions for my good”, “faith comes by hearing, hearing by the word of God”… and there is a spiritual presence rejoicing and leading me to rejoice all the while my soul is in grief because I am dying to my will.. but wait, there’s more voices, “I have been crucified with Christ, nevertheless I live, yet not I but the life I live i Live by faith in the son of God who loved me and gave himself for me”, “how much more will you submit to the father of lights and live”, “it is the perfecting of your faith that is at work here”, “patient endurance, patient endurance”. Here is what faith is about, it is about believing what the word says enough to die for it and act upon it. It does not feel good… at first. This is why it is called dying, however the glory of being rooted and established in love and on his word is that there is so much promise, and we know that we don’t truly find life until we have given up our life saying, “not my will by thy will be done”. Oh how glorious is the inheritance of the saints. No eye has seen or ear heard what God has in store for those who love him. Ok ok Lord, if you tell me to rejoice, then I better receive that command and start rejoicing, by faith, pressing in, finding a reason. Because you know the plans you have for my life, plans to prosper me and not harm me, to give me a hope and a future.. Jeremiah 29:11 my verse for this month. Surely we have a delightful inheritance.

So, now that I’ve gotten all that under my belt and dealt with, there is peace. Now that my only work is to focus on is the assignment the Lord has given me. Now that the only one who I am giving my heart to is Jesus, I have found the one and perfect thing. No greater love has man than this, that a man would lay down his life for his friend. Jesus believed in God’s will enough that he willingly gave up his life, so that by him loving his life, because he loved me so much, I might now be able to enjoy a life lived through him completing God’s will. Jesus is my heart focus and his love is perfect. He is always right. He is always genuine, patient, loyal, loving, true, and when he tells me I need to listen, it is because he genuinely loves my soul. There is so much comfort when the king of the heavenly realms gives you an assignment and a new hope to live a life worthy of that call is my biggest sacrifice. I have grand things to look forward to and there is a word for every season so I have a lamp for my feet at all times to light the correct path and there is thrill in mystery. When my heart is set on him, the author and finisher of my faith, the pain dissipates, the storm calms and I am very comforted. Thank you Jesus.