Heartache

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I have been dwelling in a place that I now know as heartache. This is not the same as heartbreak because its been sometime now since I’ve had my heart really broken. Actually this isn’t true it has been recent like less than 6 months. I suppose this would explain my state of heartache. Heartache though is not something I’m choosing. As a matter of fact I’ve been trying really hard to step out of this yard of heartache. However I’m learning that even when I leave the yard of it, it is still there. It goes where I go because it comes from the inside. I suppose there is no instant heal spray. I suppose purposing to forgive isn’t a quick fix. I suppose distractions don’t resolve the ache… and it is not just I who aches, it is my children that ache. It is that boyfriend who aches. It is the friend who is always smiling who aches. We all suffer heart break, father how do we rid ourselves of such an infestation? I suppose part of it has to do with forgiving oneself. Maybe we are so busy forgiving others and not forgiving ourselves. I forgive myself for allowing myself to be vulnerable to be broken. I forgive myself for not being smarter to avoid getting my heart broken. I forgive myself for not being strong. I forgive myself for wanting to be loved. I forgive myself for not being perfect. I forgive myself for being someone who has beem rejected. I forgive myself for being me. Valuable life lessons can rise from the ashes of heart ache. One is compassion for others with heart ache. It helps when you know that you are valuable enough to inflict heart ache or even a healing in another persons life. Women (and me ) should not embark on giving their heart in an unhealthy endeavor to fix someone else. You wont fix someone else but you can lose yourself. Or.. is losing yourself the key? Its just impossible to enter into marriage without losing yourself to somebody in a way. You lose yourself by giving that person confidence.. which means you are risking betrayal. But my motto is.. don’t trust anyone.. therefore i don’t trust anyone. But that being said.. being married means you trust someone right? But i cannot trust anyone. I’m not ready.. but.. can a person ever truly be trusted? I suppose this means the test of time.. i don’t know I’m waiting for that one person who can ignite my trust. Is that possible? Only God knows what is best in the end.  I think he’s got this i just have to trust in his guidance on every matter. Especially when it comes to marriage partner.. the bible says that when we honor our parents we are putting a garland of wisdom and promise around our necks. We should listen to them. We should seek wisdom in marriage. We should follow their advice. We should follow.our fathers advice.. he knows best. Father please add learning to our ways. So that we can keep our path straight. Amen

 

That Feeling-Exposing Oppressions

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There is another side of being a prophet that I don’t like and wish I could understand more. That feeling I sometimes get. I wouldn’t call it anxiety because I understand the feeling and definition of anxiety very well. It’s that feeling. Its a sense of the negative side of the supernatural. There are many positive feelings one will get when in touch with the supernatural such as feeling God, hearing God, seeing God or at least perceiving him. There is no greater feeling in the world then when we are in his presence. No, this is a different feeling altogether. One that has led me to have anxiety but not this time because I have been set free from oppression. That is what this is. Oppression wants in. It used to be in, but now it only lurks through the window. It won’t get in but its very presence is… agitating.. when demons come our way to wage war.. we get more agitated, restless, on edge, edgy, depressed though this time i’m not depressed. I have so many thoughts that come to try to make me depressed.. but i was set free so its like pouring water on a duck.. just runs off the feathers. Along with these thoughts come people.. the same kind of people.. they have similar characteristics… to discourage, to put down, to control, to crush. When you see the same demon in many different faces you begin to learn who your enemy is. Knowledge is key to overcoming evil. Evil has to have a name so to speak. This is why when you watch an exorcism you often see the exorcist demand a name.. because naming him, understanding him and his nature and how he forms weapons against you.. then you can gain power and gain truth. Satan works under the cloak of darkness.. he is deception and he lies and he hides so he won’t be exposed. Instead we see the symptoms of a demon infestation. We see anger,depression, strife, perverse acts.. we see the results but the only way to truly be free of his plague is to pull him out by roots. No Satan you do not have a right to he here. Lucifer you are not welcome I bind you get out of my life, out of my kids life, out of my family’s life, out of the life of the listeners. We rebuke you we take authority and bind you in the name of Jesus Christ and I loose peace, truth, and patience to wait on you and do your will father God. We loose freedom we set the captives free from every shame, every lie, every thing that exalts itself to the truth. Your kingdom come God your will be done in earth and in our lives by your grace we have been set free amen.

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Why They Control-Reflection and Vent about Controlling People

So I have come across many people, especially men who want to control me, or change me. Today I realized the reason why this takes place. This is because they are afraid of a trait I have or don’t have that they think needs to be in place to have a successful relationship with me. Isn’t that true in all relationships? When a person tries to control or change you it is because #1 They are full of pride and believe that they know what you need and in essence are trying to play God, #2 They do not think you are acceptable the way you are. As for #1… no one is so smart or so holy or so perfect that they are equal to God and just because you have excelled in an area of triumph in your own personal life does not mean that you truly know what is best for another persons life, and people won’t like or appreciate your attempts to try to control them. #2- ok I get this, this means that you need to keep on walking brother. You like parts of me, but other parts of me not so much. Nope, if you are to be good enough for me, then not accepting all of me the good parts and the parts that are less than perfect, then you are not good enough for me. Yes, there is a place of correction, but this is not done in an attitude of controlling. We can pray and lovingly point out something to each other to help them, this is the way it should be. Help each other yes, but try to control a person and tell them how they should and should not be is something else altogether. You are not God, and I am not here to meet your needs or be in the place of your God in that I am not meant to meet all your needs, only God is. The way to deal with this is to observe a person and the way they are.. and you accept. Not try to change, just accept.. and then you ask yourself “is this person someone who really does it for me?” If the answer is not yes, then that is the way it is. Determine what sort of relationship you need with them and be real about it. Do not say “no I don’t accept so I’m going to help and pray for change” no, that is controlling and not a recipe for a long lasting relationship. There are plenty of fish in the sea. Not that your perfect fish will be perfect, but they should be someone you just love just as much for their weaknesses as you do their strengths. Someone who you “love” not for what they do for you, or how perfect they are, but because of simply who they are, flaws and all. Use that as a guide. It is not fair to the person who you are attempting to change either because that is surely not the love they hope for. Settling and attempting to change a person is the contrary to love, it is selfish.

Marriage and God’s Plan For My Life?

This is a topic that I have given much attention to and that I feel I should post about today. Why not? Don’t most single people want to remarry? A very few do not they say no, not for me, ever again! Then you have the few that don’t want to, however when they are honest they’ll say “sure, if I find the right person”, this is wise. You know I want to remarry, I did it wrong the first couple of times and now when I think about a third time a few things are happening inside of me. One is major anxiety! Lol.. Like when I have male friends I get close to and start considering this topic with, I lose peace which I feel is from God, but also I feel like there are deeper reasons. One yes there’s a thing called a spirit husband who might need to be dealt with, I’ve had a couple people see this when praying for me. However, I think this is because God really wants me to focus on him right now. Today I asked again “Father, you know I want to get married again” and his response? “Focus on ministry” lol. Not only has he been telling me this in my spirit, however people are starting to come out and tell me this in spirit as they are led. Yet, I still have the desire to marry. I know that this is the “seek ye first his kingdom and the rest will be added unto you” business meaning that as I seek to do the ministry he places on my heart, whether it be blogging, groups, fb, writing, getting established in a new church… and wherever he leads me, then my future spouse will find me. When I start focusing on a man in the natural, because there are so so many good, God fearing men, something happens, I lose peace!! Yet, they are serving to be good practice for me. I am finding out slowly what matters to me. One thing I do not want is someone to try to quench or control me. So many people come into my life to support or help me in prayer, yet as they get close to me they want to start criticizing me. I hate this.. not that I’m not open to correction, but it has to be in line with what the spirit says. And if you are not acting in the spirit then you are acting with the adversary, and I have listened to his voice plenty in my life, telling me I’m not good enough. Get behind me Satan I have a God and you friend are not him. So I’m learning that I don’t need a man to build me up, and if a man does not accept and love me as I am, then our relationship may not be ideal. I am who I am, and I am fine. No, not perfect but let that be between God and I, thank you. Yes I myself have much to learn as well. Maybe I need to learn more submission, maybe I need more attitude adjustment. All I know is that right now I need friends, and I need healing. I had not loved myself enough therefore I allowed people or even latched onto people who didn’t love me enough and then later abandoned me and hurt me in some way. Other then my first spouse, I mainly was the one who hurt him. No, no one is perfect, there is a place where I need forgiveness and to forgive, all of which I’ve already made a choice to do and have to daily keep making that choice. But for now, i really just want a friend. Someone who I do not feel I have to impress but who is there regardless. This is the problem with men who have romantic interest in me, they come with the motive to get romantic with me, and their friendship is conditional. No thanks, though if were not God’s desire that I still seek these friendships then he would change that desire, but he doesn’t. The desire to bond with men on a friendship level is strong. That we may mutually edify and pray for one another. This is all a learning process. But one thing is clear, I want God’s will.. that is the only way! Lord give us all strength and grace to do it your way. Amen.

The Little Things

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Sometimes little things can ruin our day. Little things like the way our morning goes before we even get out the door to get our day started. Maybe we lost our keys, our favorite book, car didn’t start, there are so many things that could go wrong. Maybe it was something someone said. Some things are bigger things than others, but some things that totally upset us are little things. Here’s a secret, even big things are also little things when we consider them in the face of God. 2 Corinthians 4:17 says-“For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison”. So what does it mean that our light and momentary afflictions are working for our eternal glory? Well, when we respond by getting angry, maybe yelling a little, cursing a little, or kicking something (all of which I have been guilty of when getting real frustrated, and kicking something doesn’t help anything except causes a little pain), then this glory isn’t necessarily in the works for us. No, this means that our light and momentary afflictions have the potential to work out for our future glory. We are told in Hebrews chapter 12 to endure hardship as discipline from the Lord. It says that he allows us to have hardship because he is our heavenly father who loves us, and we are given an illustration of how we as evil people rebuke our children, and he rebukes us as well, but for our own good. Hebrews 12:11 states-
“No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening—it’s painful! But afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way”. Do you note that there is a condition here, the condition is that if we are trained by it. A child can either make the disciplinary process productive for themselves, or more grievous. For example, I have a pre-teen daughter who in her hormonal state she is often mean and snotty to her siblings, provoking fights when there doesn’t need to be. In an attempt to correct her I’ve taken away toys or even given her time out. I had given her a choice when given time out, I say to her “when you are ready to quit your attitude, you can come out”. Do you know that this child is so stubborn she will sit there for a very long time still expecting me to tell her that she can come out without changing her attitude or taking any responsibility. She is choosing not to be trained by the discipline she is given and therefore prolongs her disciplinary action, really making it more grievous for herself. This is the way our hardships often work for us as well. Though having a change in attitude doesn’t necessarily take away the hardship, but rather it makes the hardship be cut down to size and this gives us patience and increases our faith and strength.

We are told in James chapter 1 to rejoice when we experience hardships because of the character that it develops and I can relate to this, can you? Have you had a problem that you’ve faced for a very long time that you had prayed and prayed or hoped would go away and have done all you can do to make it go away, yet it really didn’t go away, or rather it took a lot of work and learning to get this weakness under control just to eventually gain character and knowledge that is invaluable in the process? If I am correct, that is what the song “Believer” by Imagine Dragons is about, how the song writer had a life long trial with chronic pain. We wise people learn over time to be grateful for our hardships because we learn that in the long run they develop wonderful things in our character that we cannot obtain otherwise. My personal battle has been with fear. Shortly after I was spirit filled and anointed for great things I experienced the worst fear in my entire life and oppression. It began when I was 17 and made me go a bit crazy in that I prayed constantly to make it go away, and then began a new battle with legalism because in my attempt to make the fear and anxieties go away I attempted to be perfect and follow the law perfectly because I felt very condemned like I had lost my peace with God, my grace and this was extremely traumatic because I was just experiencing the heaven of walking in his spirit. I was later diagnosed with OCD, and attacked it from a medical stand point, which the medication did help. However we are not just physical beings, we are spirit beings. The medication helped ease the strain of fear, but overcoming it took years and year and years of learning, scripture reading and renewing the of the mind, and also deliverance, though this was one spirit that was not going away by the laying on of hands, but rather it has taken getting the truth deep down into my soul. And although it was tormenting I had gotten stronger and stronger and finally it’s about licked, well for the most part. If I had not experienced this fear and then the fight to overcome legalism, learning to be free from the religious spirit then I would not be where I am right now in my understanding and faith. Thank you Jesus. Now, I am experiencing another obstacle that seems to be there to teach me a lesson, and this lesson is to trust God in every situation. Amen, thank you father for the little things that lead to huge lessons. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Lack of Trust

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So yesterday I wrote about my trust in God, how glorious this is!! Really no words can describe how wonderful this is, and we can always come to him no matter what is going on in our life or no matter what you have done.

Today I want to talk about my lack of trust in people, especially men. I am a little down today. My ex fiance apparently just got out of jail because he was graced with probation rather than jail time and although I’m pretty much over it.. today dirt in my heart is being stirred. Not only about him but about another recent ex.. and just about men but about women in my life, family members, adopted family members. It is all being stirred up.. thanks to whatever is responsible for this. That was sarcastic by the way. You know .. you love someone.. and then something happens, they betray you, or there are misunderstandings, distance.. whatever but to the core of a lack of trust is the fact that the person failed to love you enough. They broke a promise, they once made you believe they loved you just for you to later discover that it was only a lie.. or a partial truth. They were selfish and didn’t care about how they really hurt you… you know it really is easier to just be numb to it. I mean, what can you do? Mope? Whine.. shed a tear.. yes shedding tears are nice sometimes i don’t shed them enough but sometimes you can only shed so many times until you just get tired of it. And after you shed them then guess what? You are still left with the same broken heart. It didn’t change a single thing. But.. a person such as myself can get to a place in which you never trust a person anymore. Sure you can forgive and continue to forgive but eventually you still learn to look under every rock for the bug.. because you know that every rock is going to have a bug no matter how shiny and clean it appears. Others come along and say “oh.. but i am not that person.. i am being punished for someone else’s crime.. blah blah blah blah” yeah you think.. that’s what “he/she said too” you keep it to yourself because that person already has their feelings bruised.. and guess what.. yes.. you might have guessed it.. maybe.. there is NOT a happy ending to the story because.. lol.. surprise.. they did it too shhh…

So some may say or think that this is a bad place to be.. rock bottom in the trust department.. but guess what.. it is where im supposed to be. All i can do now is look up.. and learn to forgive but not ever trust.. unless the Lord allows.. but this was his plan to make me only ever depend on him.