Updates: love, marriage, and saying goodbye

Its been so long since I’ve visited this site that it seems to be a ripe time to check in. I’ve had many changes over this past year. I’ve met and married God’s gift to me. The very week that we went on our honeymoon I found out that my mom had liver failure and metastatic cancer and that she was going to die. Right after I returned from my honeymoon I flew back home to my home state to say goodbye to my mom. I got to spend 3 days with her, and on the third day as I was on my flight back home she passed away. I’m still heart broken. She was only 60 years old. Up until she died I always felt unloved and rejected by her, but now I regret not appreciating the love I did receive from her, even when it wasn’t much. I should have tried to talk to her more. I should have visited More. But I am grateful that I got to see her in her last days, I got to watch movies with her and talk about our faith. I got to hear her thoughts about dying and her wishes. I got to kiss her and say I love you. I wish I had more, but I’m blessed to have the Lord’s peace and assurance that she is in heaven and I still get to experience her from time to time. I appreciate the lasting changes her untimely death made on my heart. I’m happy that I had a change in how I see life and how I have reconnected with my family, it has been so long. It had been a slight challenge to our new marriage but its nothing we can’t handle. God gave me a good one. I’m so glad that God helped me learn how to rely on him because no one can ever take the place of the lord. A spouse is nice, companionship is nice. It is not good for man to be alone, yet when God is present we are never alone. So these experiences have began a new book in my life, one that is now colored by love, strength in God, church, family, the lbs coming home, eternity and grief. There is so much to tell about. It is as if my story has just begun. My mom passed away April 19th, 2021. I was married April 3rd, 2021. My book was finalized and went to the market the day before my mom passed away, or at least that is when I first noticed it was on the market. My mom never got to read it though I was able to give her my original copy, but that doesn’t matter now because she already knows what is in it, and what is to come. Maybe she’ll help me with my next one.

The verse that God gave me concerning my mom’s salvation
My love and I
My book listing Amazon, now available on Kindle

4/17/21

Little girls and their moms

A little girl reaches her hand up to hold her mom’s hand, “mom, you are the best mom in the whole wide world”. A teenage girl writes a note to her mom stating, “you are the most beautiful person I know, and I strive to be like you”. A young lady had settled to not ever talk to her mom again, after feeling pushed away, hurt and rejected, yet when her mom is about to die she holds her hand and cries, “you are too young, it is not time for you to die yet”. The warmth a young woman feels when her mom touches her delicately and says “I love you”, and gives her a big hug. There is no rhyme or reason to a bond between a little girl and her mom. This is from God. Cherish every moment you have with your little girls, make amends with your mom. There is no replacement for the love that can occur between little girls and their moms.

Waiting For Someone To Care

I had waited for someone to care. Yet Jesus was there, and he cared. I believe that most people at least one time in their life look for and wait for others to truly care. Sometimes we are blessed with those who care, but other times it feels as if no one cares. Jesus always cared. Jesus always cares. Jesus is God in the flesh, God’s son, and the word that was with God from the beginning, and was God per the books of John and 1 John. When people care life is good, but what about when they don’t care? Jesus always cares, and he’s always cared. We were not made on accident, as a matter of fact we are considered the most valuable creations in existence. I was not an accident and you were not an accident. Jesus had your name on his heart when he hung on the cross. The bible tells us that it was for the joy that was set before him that he endured the cross and its shame. It was because of the shame you endured, so that someone could literally say that he has been there. You were never alone. You are still not alone. There is always hope as long as today is called today, and it is when we have come to the end of hope in this life that we are in a position to truly gain life. Jesus said blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of God. It was for the lost, the sinner, the sick, the poor, the fatherless, the rejected, the hated, the proud, the caring, the mother, brother, lover it was for us all that Jesus came to this earth, that his Father, our creator sent him to stand in the gap and become sin, to become shame, to become sick, to become rejected, and afflicted and poor, to be bruised so that we will know that someone cared, and has been there. When Jesus cared, he really cared. He didn’t just say it with a smile and vain promises to always be there, no he showed it that when no one knew the meaning of it, he by faith died for you and me. He cared. Look at the Father who created us. Behold the creator of this world and all life. He is loving. He is kind. He willingly gave up his son and at the same time his life because he cared. He is still there, he still cares. You are not alone. Thank you Jesus for Saving the world, that all who would believe on you and call upon you can have their names written in your book of life.

God Is My Husband

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I have an issue with questioning who my future husband will be.  I inspect many people who come across my path.  I have always been husband focused.  I hate this.  It is a desire that never meets satisfaction.  I believe that everything will work out for my good, even the minor, more pesky challenges that I face.  Even this issue I keep having.  I believe that God uses this need within me to help me understand that he is my husband.  No, I don’t believe it is wrong to remarry and I know I will marry again, but this time I have a new purpose, and that is to please Jesus and have true contentment.  Not a life of my own making, but rather of his choosing.  As I keep asking, “who is my husband”, I am reminded of the way God showed my heart to me today and revealed to me that he is working on my behalf about diverse things.  Then I am once again reminded that God is my husband.  What does it mean to call God my husband?  It means that he watches out for me.  He is faithful to me and is thinking about me.  He understands me like no one else can understand me, and he is for me and not against me.  He is the best listener.  He is the most loyal friend.  He is there even when I don’t deserve it.  He cherishes me and tells me how much he adores me.  He gives me gifts.  He is Sovereign and reveals to me that he is in control and that I have to only trust him and obey.  God is so Sovereign, when I look upon this I have a deeper need within me met that wants to be submissive.  I want to let him lead me.  I want to be cared for and loved.  I don’t want to be mistreated.  God is truly my husband, and I can enjoy this union with him even better than if I was married to a carnal man.  Lord, help me forget about this need or put it in its proper place.  Amen.

Only God

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Today I am reflecting on how we are to think of ourselves with sober judgement.  We all feel special to some extent, because we are.  How can we not be when we were made in God’s image?  We are made to reflect God’s glory.  Yet, sometimes we only focus on our attributes rather than the bigger picture which is, how the world might view us.  As I consider the world’s view of myself, or rather how someone who isn’t biased might view me, I realize that without the vision of God, I look like an ordinary average person.  I see my weaknesses and my flaws.  I can see the difference between my ideal of myself, and what I am in reality.  The truth is that only God can make this unappealing earthen vessel into his master piece.

Also, I realize that only God can help me overcome my every day to day obstacles, the Lord knows I have not been able to do this myself.  Only God can justify me.  Only God can defend me.  Even now it comes to knowledge that all those who would think to form a plot against me, or think evil of me, God is there interceding for me as we speak.  Only God knows me as I hope to be, only God is able to truly believe in me.  Each person is unique.  Each person is without hope, and only God can redeem them.  Each person needs God’s mercy, the mercy that only God can provide.

Only God stays near me, even when I fail.  I fail all of the time.  Only God can love me, even when I am unlovable.  Only God can uphold me, and my purpose is for him.  Without him I would had already committed suicide years ago, even if I didn’t die, I would be dead already on the inside without him.  He truly is the only good being in this life.  No, there are good people, lovable, caring souls but no one is perfect, even Jesus said only God is truly good.  There just isn’t any purpose in this life, and only God is the reason why I find myself.  I was created to know him.  I was created to praise him.  I was not ever able to be satisfied by anything in this life, except for God.  Only God.

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These Burdens Are Too Much

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It is true that our burdens are too much.  We were created to have and enjoy our lives, and our curse was to have to work for it.  We were created to have our every need provided for.  Rams have indwelt abilities to withstand headbutts, but we do not have an indwelt ability to carry our own burdens.  These burdens are too much.  When we think about what our burdens cost us, why not cast our cares on Jesus, who died for us?  He said, “come to me all you who are burdened and heavy laden, and I will give you rest, cast your cares upon me, because I care for you”.  Part of the curse of death is having to carry our burdens alone.  These burdens are too much.  When we turn to God with our cares, he is able to give us rest for our tired bones.  Thank you Lord for relieving my cares and for taking care of everything that concerns me.  Please remind us all that you are near, not far away.  Remind us that we are not meant to carry our burdens alone, but that we can cast those cares upon you and that as we do you keep us safe.  Help us have rest.  Amen

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Unworthy

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I am reminded today of how unworthy we are.  The Lord knew we were unworthy, so he died for us in order to fill in the gap for us.  First we have the law, man’s transgression against the law, separation from God, and then came Jesus.  He became sin, chastised and punished, so that we can be reconciled.  He knew we were unworthy.  He loved us despite our unworthiness.  Now we have Christian brothers and sisters casting stones at each other, they are saying, “you are unworthy of me!  You are unworthy of my time, of my energy, you are a leech upon my life.  You do not treat me with respect.  Depart from me, you are unworthy!”  They say these things because people generally are unworthy, but those casting judgments are not any better.  The Lord is showing me as I seek him about being rejected by friends who have said to themselves that I am unworthy.  I said something they didn’t like, so now I’m unworthy.  When we say a person is unworthy, we are saying to them, “you are not good enough for me, you do not measure up.  You do not deserve my attention or my love.  Depart from me”.  This has happened so much that it is evident that the Lord has a lesson in it.  So I asked him why, he told me that his people don’t know how to forgive.  They have their own expectations of what is the right way, as a matter of fact a friend shared with me a scripture in Proverbs where it says that every man thinks that they are right in their own eyes (Proverbs 21:2), but their way is not right when they judge others as unworthy.  That is the truth.  What is worse is that as I have sought the Lord in how to deal with these people who are now unworthy of my effort, in my own spiritual pride and feelings of rejection I want to move on and wipe the dust from my feet, but Jesus said, “no, forgive them”.  I told him that these people don’t even want anything to do with me, why should I pray for them to change their hearts.  He told me that it was wrong for them to settle in their hearts to not forgive, and that their rejection of me didn’t mean that I was unworthy, it meant that their judgement was wrong, and that there is no person who I am going to have a relationship with who I won’t at some point in time have to walk in forgiveness.  Jesus was surrounded by people.  He had devoted disciples, and he also had many more followers and admirers, yet when push came to shove, he was truly alone.  They didn’t love him because they were good people, rather they loved him because he first loved them and had something to give them.  He had a little piece of God in him.  Jesus couldn’t count on a single one of them to truly love in at the end.  When he hung on that cross, even God turned his face from him.  He was utterly alone.  We are to love people because they need it, not because they are worthy.  We are to forgive people because they need it, not because they are worthy.  In the end it isn’t about who was right or who was wrong.  In the end we are all imperfect.  In the end, what will matter is that we loved and that we are loved by the only one who ever truly loved us in the first place.  God is the one who is worthy.  Even Jesus was his design and his gift to us.  God gave him up.  It is time that we believers start showing the world a little piece of Jesus.  It is time that we start seeking deliverance from unforgiveness.  It is time that we rid the words “unworthy” from our vocabulary unless we are discussing our own worth while bowing at God’s feet.  It is time that we see that there is no person who is worthy, and at the same time every person is worthy because Jesus said he was.  If Jesus said that person was worthy, God forbid I ever say that a person is unworthy again.  Lord Jesus, please help us get this revelation.  Please help us have genuine love. Thank you for making us worthy even though we were not.  Thank you for loving everyone God.  We are worthy now because you said it, though we are all unworthy.

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He Delivers Us From Our Troubles

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“Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him from them all”

Psalm 34:19

This is the Lord’s personal promise to me in this season of my life.  He has quickened it to my heart more than once, and then I’ve read it many times in different places.  When I begin to fret about a problem, old or new, I recall this promise.  Then I rest again.  It only takes a tiny bit of faith to move mountains.  It only takes the word of God given to you personally to build your faith.  When he says that he will deliver me from everything, I mean he will deliver me from everything.  His presence comes upon me and shows me the fine details I get caught up thinking about, and he says to me, “I am going to deliver you from all that concerns you”.  How glorious is that promise!  How consuming is the delivering fire of the Lord.  I am reminded once again, he is going to deliver me from all my cares.  Think of a single care, and this is what he said he will deliver you from.  Anything that brings an ounce of interest to my mind, he will deliver me from that and make it right.  My finances, you are going to deliver me from all my troubles, my home needs, you are going to deliver me from all my troubles, my children and family, you will deliver me from my troubles.  My enemies, you will deliver me from all my troubles.  Everything that has been done wrong, you will make all things right.  All things within my thinking and my feeling, you will deliver me from these things.  My relationships, you will deliver me from all my troubles.  All the things that are not right without me, you will deliver me from all my troubles.  All the things I don’t like in my life, you care and you will deliver me from all these troubles.   All those who stand against us, you will deliver me from all my troubles.  You see me, and you care about me.  You care about everything that concerns me.  You see me as beautiful, you have loved me with an all enduing love.  You have been faithful to me.  Surely goodness, and mercy, will follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.  Hallelujah.  You and I are one.

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My Defender, My God

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One thing that I’ve always experienced in my life is rejection coupled with God’s defense.  This is not an accident.  Each one of us is created to reveal his glory according to the proportion of our faith.  It used to surprise me when God revealed his favor for me to someone, they would say, “wow, you were right”.  I knew it all, because God already told me, so why were they so surprised?.  I used to get so upset when people didn’t see my worth or misunderstood me.  Now I have accepted it.  Rarely do people see what God shows me right away.  Eventually the truth is revealed.  It just doesn’t matter to me anymore.  I don’t need another’s approval, I only ever have needed God’s.  God has allowed me to be misunderstood and rejected so that he alone would be my source.  I used to crave affirmation, who doesn’t like affirmation?  Now I just don’t need it.  I only need God’s.  It would be nice if a person would come and stay, but seasons of separation are part of God’s plan.  He won’t ever let someone else take his place in my life.  Not everyone would see this the way that I do, nor would they accept and and understand it, and that doesn’t matter either.  I only need God to tell me that I’m where I need to be.  The times I do get my hopes up and start to put my sites on a person to lift me up, God quickly reminds me that they are but dust.  No one shall take his place of glory in my life.  We can love people, we can fellowship with people, we can assist and receive help from other people, but we should never exalt people to the pedestal of authority that is meant to be God’s.  There was a time that Israel asked God for a king, as a matter of fact they insisted on it.  God did not plan for a person to rule over us.  Kings were not part of his original design.  We pushed for it, so he finally gave us Kings to rule over us.  This was not what he had in mind.  There is no human that is great without God’s anointing.  No one is worthy of praise like God.  As much as I have been let down by others, constantly, I am grateful that this has been my experience.  Yes, I am sensitive.  Yes, I expect perfection, but is that a bad thing?  It is when I am looking to a person to be that God.  God is who I have always longed for.  I am designed to worship him alone.  Because I have had the grace to understand his forgiveness I can walk in forgiveness towards others.  Dealing with people requires a large dose of forgiving, but here’s the thing.  If you expect to deal with a person and not be let down, you are in for a long bumpy ride. People are made from dust.  God reminds me of this over and over again so I can remember that he is God, and no person is anywhere near his throne to be worshiped.    If we have God, how can we ever go wrong?  Who can speak against us?  No, we don’t need a King.  We need to worship God. Don’t get discouraged when others fail you or don’t understand you.  God will defend you.  You only need his love.  Thank you God for always defending me.

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Hear His Voice

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John 10:27-28 KJV  “My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me:  And I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand”

Don’t be threatened by people or circumstances.  Don’t be distracted by the noise.  Don’t be distracted by negative emotions or any thoughts that exalt them above God’s truth.  Just listen to the Shepherd’s voice.  He knows the way.  Only one thing has ever been needful.  It is to hear his word, and to follow him anywhere he may lead.  If he says it is OK, it is OK.  If he speaks and says to stop, stop.  If he gives you a morsel of word to think on, chew on it and be still as it nourishes your body.  He knows the way, you are not an orphan.  He will not abandon you or lead you astray.  Without him we can accomplish nothing, but allowing him to lead and following him will lead us the right way.  Thank the Lord today for giving you the great shepherd to follow.  Listen for his voice.  What is the Shepherd saying to you today?  Lord speak, your child is listening.

Psalm 23:4 KJV  “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me”

 

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