What Did I Do?

Today I heard you tell me you were pleased with me, and that you are going to make everything in my life work out for my favor as you prepare a table before me with its luscious feast. I stopped and asked myself, “wait, did I even pray today?”. Yes, of course I always pray but today was not one of those days that I felt overly spiritual. I’ve made some attempts to press in yesterday but was met with meditation on things you were doing in my life instead. So I asked myself, what did I do? I searched my memory for what I did to please you and earn your reward of making everything turn out the way I have always hoped. I had a few ideas, but I heard you say, “just keep leaning on my word”. On my commute home today I felt your love again, you told me that you were very pleased with me and that you love me. I pondered about this some more. Even though I myself preach grace and love not works, I myself have an underlying tendency to try to earn your love and approval. It is human instinct? Or maybe just experience of growing up in a desert with little love. I always want to know, what did I do so that I can do it more. I don’t want to lose this love, I don’t want to lose this favor. Of course I want everything in my life to work for my favor. Of course I want the greatest riches I can have, which is having you close to my heart. And then it occurred to me…. I have done nothing to earn this love. You love me because you made me, and I was made to be intimate with you. You are not a formula that is a result of combining ingredients. You are not a riddle to be solved. You love me because I am yours and you chose me. You sought me, you knew me before I was ever born and had me in mind when you died on the cross for me. You did that for me. You came to earth in the form of a man to be despised and tempted like a man, and to be hurt, ridiculed, and broken like a man, because you thought about me. We error when we think that we have chosen you and that we have earned you, no you chose us and you bought us with your blood. You paid the bride price with human sacrifice. You know you, you made me to know you so that I can praise you all the rest of my life. What have I done except to be given the title of the bride of Christ, the child of the most high God. Thank you for being a permanent fixture in my life. I have not chosen wrong.

I want to please you

God I want to please you. Please help me be pleasing to you. I find it hard to focus even my thoughts on you as there are so many hindrances in this life to keep us distracted. It takes great discipline to focus on your face and giving you praise. I understand with my mind that it is the right thing to do, however the flesh is deceiving and weak. Help me always put you first. Please make my thoughts pleasing to you, teach me how. Help me worship you and have the words to form a thought about you. I know it is right. Help me walk pleasingly in your sight. I want everything I do to be perfume to you. I want to always have pure motives. I want to understood everything that you think about me. I want more than anything to understand you. I have asked and still have hope that you will let me actually see your face. I wonder what you look like up close and personal. I wonder if you look like a child, or a beggar, or a saint. What of your eyes, do we have to be pure light to see with eyes. Do we have to have special glasses to filter the glory of your face before we see shape? I want to see what you look like. I want to be there with you and be where you are, and I want to dwell with you and always be at your side. I want to know you in the most intimate way. Help me I want to see your face. I want to be where you are, I want to know you. I think that you are maybe not what we would expect to see, maybe you are what we would call “ugly” but yet be the most beautiful because of the inner beauty that emanates. I want intimacy in such a real way, with the Lord of lights. Maybe, just maybe I was designed to truly be the bride of Jesus. Amen.

The Issue

The Issue we have is that we neglect to obey the first and most important commandment and that is to put God first. If you are having confusion about anything, or emotional upset, or problems and everything in your life going wrong, first ask yourself the most important question, which is, “am I putting God first”? Are you saying as Jesus said, “not my will but thine be done”?. That would solve every single problem in human existence. People scoff at the idea of being a zealot, a Christian, a religious “nut”, however that is what we were created for, and to live a life apart from your God is truly not living at all. Sometimes it takes major catastrophe to enter a person’s life before they will turn their thoughts to God. That is where it is, you see we get bent on the idea of what we “do” as far as being religious is concerned, but the truth of the matter is that God searches thoughts. When he looks upon us, he is first looking upon our thoughts and searching out a person who thinks on him. That is where it begins. He searches the thoughts and motives of man kind. If he didn’t see anything good in you he would have already destroyed you, but he knows there is good in you so he beckons for you to join him in heavenly matrimony, because he wants to be with you where you are. He and I talked much today, and we discussed many things. One of the things that he talked about was the importance of “multiplying”, it is his will that we have children because it is our seed that fills the earth and he also talked to me about how there is nothing in existence that he did not create. He talked to me intimately, driving home the concept that he knew me before the foundation of the world even was formed, and how he created me to do even greater works then Jesus did while earth. We hear the phrase, “before you were even a thought in your mother’s mind”, but the truth is that before this world ever came into existence he thought about you, and what is more important is that he fashioned this world for you, and he also fashioned Jesus to serve you through the redemption of your soul. It is true when the bible says that before the world was ever created, he knew you, because you were his design. You were his workmanship. You were a character with a role in the greatest story ever told, which is the story of creation, and man made to be like God. Selah…

Lack of Trust

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So yesterday I wrote about my trust in God, how glorious this is!! Really no words can describe how wonderful this is, and we can always come to him no matter what is going on in our life or no matter what you have done.

Today I want to talk about my lack of trust in people, especially men. I am a little down today. My ex fiance apparently just got out of jail because he was graced with probation rather than jail time and although I’m pretty much over it.. today dirt in my heart is being stirred. Not only about him but about another recent ex.. and just about men but about women in my life, family members, adopted family members. It is all being stirred up.. thanks to whatever is responsible for this. That was sarcastic by the way. You know .. you love someone.. and then something happens, they betray you, or there are misunderstandings, distance.. whatever but to the core of a lack of trust is the fact that the person failed to love you enough. They broke a promise, they once made you believe they loved you just for you to later discover that it was only a lie.. or a partial truth. They were selfish and didn’t care about how they really hurt you… you know it really is easier to just be numb to it. I mean, what can you do? Mope? Whine.. shed a tear.. yes shedding tears are nice sometimes i don’t shed them enough but sometimes you can only shed so many times until you just get tired of it. And after you shed them then guess what? You are still left with the same broken heart. It didn’t change a single thing. But.. a person such as myself can get to a place in which you never trust a person anymore. Sure you can forgive and continue to forgive but eventually you still learn to look under every rock for the bug.. because you know that every rock is going to have a bug no matter how shiny and clean it appears. Others come along and say “oh.. but i am not that person.. i am being punished for someone else’s crime.. blah blah blah blah” yeah you think.. that’s what “he/she said too” you keep it to yourself because that person already has their feelings bruised.. and guess what.. yes.. you might have guessed it.. maybe.. there is NOT a happy ending to the story because.. lol.. surprise.. they did it too shhh…

So some may say or think that this is a bad place to be.. rock bottom in the trust department.. but guess what.. it is where im supposed to be. All i can do now is look up.. and learn to forgive but not ever trust.. unless the Lord allows.. but this was his plan to make me only ever depend on him.